I'm afraid that my mother will die. How to cope with the death of your mother. Fears, obsessive thoughts and images that arise after the death of a loved one

Hello. You need to talk to your child, but talk correctly. If your “explanations” end in hysterics, it means that you are doing (saying) something not quite right. Perhaps you are being disingenuous in some way, perhaps you are trying to make the problem less significant or brush it aside altogether. Both tactics are wrong. When did your child first start asking you questions about death? About the mortality of all living things? Usually this happens somewhat earlier than at the age of six, and if he receives reasonable and reliable answers from his parents, then, by the age of six, as a rule, such questions are no longer asked. Therefore, I will assume that your child has been living with this unspoken fear for some time.
You need to talk about death with your child honestly - yes, everyone grows old and dies. When explaining the phenomenon of death, you can use religious concepts (for example, about the transmigration of souls or about life in paradise) - whatever is closer to you. When talking about mortality, focus on life - yes, we will all die, but it will not be soon - we have a long life to live, interesting life. Yes, when our loved ones die, we become very sad, but they always remain in our memory (looking at us from the sky, etc.) Yes, the child will cry, perhaps, but this state cannot be brought to the point of hysteria and scandal - let me he needs to cry about it. The conversation should be conducted in a calm tone.
After such a frank conversation, the child will most likely ask this question again and again. Many times. As many times as he needs. Be prepared for this. Just calmly repeat the same thing to him and let him cry if he wants to. You can’t brush off this conversation - I’ve already explained everything to you. He needs to be sure that you are telling the truth.
Discuss this issue with all loved ones to whom the child can turn, tell them what and how to say. All adults should say the same thing, there should be no contradictions.

In your case, the fear of death was added to the fear of your own growing up. And the fear of growing up is not necessarily associated with the death of loved ones. The second aspect is important here - how do you feel about your child’s growing up, does he see positive aspects in growing up, and not just growing responsibility? In what context do you use the word “adult” in relation to a child? And do you use it at all? Is he allowed to be a child at six years old? Thus, so that the child does not worry, it is better for you to contact a child psychologist in person or online to analyze in detail what is happening and build an adequate model of interaction with the child on these issues.

All the best.

Good afternoon. I was interested in your answer “Hello. You need to talk to the child, but talk correctly. If your “explanations” end...” to the question http://www.. Can I discuss this answer with you?

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The death of a loved one is a great loss. On the one hand, we lose our support, happy moments of communication, and a future together. On the other hand, there come feelings of helplessness in the face of the inevitable, fear, guilt, anger. Such a scale of strong negative emotions knocks you off your feet. We say goodbye to childish naivety, find ourselves at the edge, and our soul trembles. Death immediately becomes tangible, big, noticeable. As one woman who buried her mother wrote: “It feels as if I—death—touched her.”

Fears, obsessive thoughts and images that arise after the death of a loved one.

A year ago my brother's wife died. For the first forty days I generally slept with the light on. I just turn off the light and it seems that the darkness is pressing on me. And I still go to bed to make sure the night light is on. I put on the cross, and as soon as I close my eyes, there she is, dead with dimes in front of her eyes.

My mother died 2 years ago, she died in the hospital, in intensive care. I'm still scared to close my eyes. Terrible thoughts appear, fears that I will lose the child, that I will see my mother again the way I saw her in the morgue. I haven't slept at night for 2 years, falling asleep at 5 or 6 in the morning.

Why and who has such strong fears?

Those strong emotional reactions, examples of which are given above, are not characteristic of everyone. Someone experiences the pain of loss, grieves, cries and suffers, but there is no fear:

On September 30, my mother died. There is no fear, only tears and tears. I often make a reservation: “I need to call my mom, I need to go to my mom.” Then I realize, my mother is gone.

Why is this happening? Why do some manage to live through their grief without falling into pathological states of fear, while others cannot sleep at night for years? This depends on several factors. For example, from the presence of any anxiety disorders in a person. Medical analogies are appropriate here. A healthy psyche can cope with a traumatic event, as if someone were caught in the rain and caught a cold. A healthy immune system will help him recover quickly. But if a person was already sick, hypothermia can cause serious pathological processes that cannot be corrected with aspirin. Likewise, loss can hit hard on a weakened psyche, and you feel like you’re going crazy. Need help from a specialist.

Since the day my mother died, I have had terrible fears. I'm afraid to see her in reality. I've always been afraid of the dark, just panicky. As a child, when I was left at home alone, I hid in the deepest extreme point room and looked with all eyes at open door. I was afraid to see a “babaika” there. I feel the same way now.Within a month the situation had changed. Now I can’t stand with my back to the door. You must see the door and its space. At night, for this reason, it’s scary to close my eyes; I constantly want to see what’s around me, that everything is calm there and nothing threatens me. I sleep only with light on and next to my husband. Relatives are advised to seek help.

Another reason for the occurrence of phobias (obsessive fears): if relatives could not be in grief, did not live their feelings. The girl buried her mother and cannot sleep, she sees ghosts. And grandma is sleeping. She has already lost her second child, but she reasons philosophically: “We’ll all be there!” This is not about indifference. People can put emotional life aside if it is too much for them, and then their descendants have to live it. The grandmother buried two adult children and is holding up well, while her granddaughter suffers from fear and grief for months, as if bearing a double burden of suffering. There, too, the father immediately left for another woman.

The situation of loss raises the resonance of all life stories with a similar context. For example, as a child you lost someone close, but turned on psychological defenses and did not feel pain or fear. Then the next loss will provide an opportunity to get in touch with those feelings. This greatly increases the intensity of the experience. Thus, fears will be strong if there is a heavy resonance with the past.

When my mother died, I was 7 years old. This happened before my eyes. I still remember everything in great detail. It was evening, we were watching a cartoon, I was sitting on my mother’s lap. Then she says: “Something doesn’t feel right, I’ll probably go and lie down.” I got up from the sofa, walked to the bedroom and fell. Then everything was in a fog: the ambulance, the doctors, some people. There was no fear: they didn’t take me to the funeral. And when my grandmother died, I was 16 years old. Here the fear was so strong that in the first days after the funeral I was afraid to enter the house. I was scared to even look at the door of her room, it seemed like she was going to come out of there. I dreamed about it almost every day. And always in some kind of nightmare.

Another reason for strong fears is the presence of resentment, anger, and disgust for the deceased. It is easy for us to let go if there is a flow of love between loved ones. And then many write that they felt calm, now THERE is dear person who will take care. The light of love does not allow the darkness to deepen.

Dad died in my apartment. Since then I haven't been able to spend the night there. Now I live with my mother, I don’t have the strength to return home. I have nightmares about waking up in that apartment and the wildest horror. After his death, my father came to me for 3 nights in a row, I woke up screaming. I feel it. Did I love him? This question brings tears to my eyes. I don't know the answer. In childhood - yes. Respected and feared. He was very strict, a military man. After my divorce from my mother, when he drove us into a miserable life for several years, I hated and despised him. Then we made peace, but the relationship changed, he tried to gain my favor, respect, as if he wanted to make amends. He often said that he loved me. But I couldn’t tell him these words. There was a wall between us.

What to do if fear arises after the death of a loved one

It is the expression of the fullness of the experienced feelings of loss and pain that often helps to overcome grief. Therefore, there was a tradition with a thousand-year history of inviting mourners to the funeral. Their poetic laments helped relatives not to hold back tears, to throw out grief so that it would not torment and eat from the inside.

After my father died, I began to have nightmares. I was left alone in the apartment; my mother was admitted to the hospital. Every night for three weeks I dreamed of Dad in a coffin with his eyes and mouth sewn shut with rough stitches. I dreamed that he was getting up from the coffin and trying to break these threads. The same dream! I drank sedatives every evening and read “Our Father” before going to bed. And in the evenings, when I went to bed, I heard HIS steps in the corridor! Once, a thick magazine even fell off the nightstand on its own at night. One day, when I was almost falling asleep, I felt someone sit down on the bed next to me and lightly pat me on the back (I was lying on my side). At that moment I decided that I was going crazy. I turned to a psychotherapist. She told me about her dreams, fears and the fact that I couldn’t cry - there were no tears. The doctor simply ordered me to stop taking sedatives and simply cry. In the evening, I sat down in a chair, turned on the music, and... well, I bawled like a beluga for two hours. That same night I fell asleep for the first time without sedatives and without nightmares! I just needed to cry out my grief.

Of course, in severe cases, I advise you to consult a specialist. But often people are reluctant to talk about mystical experiences for fear of appearing crazy. There are also methods of folk psychotherapeutic self-help.

My brother died very young. Five years have passed, but the pain still does not go away. They gave me advice: my brother’s soul asks for a wake. Bring cakes, sweets to work and treat everyone, but don’t give a reason. That's what I do. It gets easier.

After my brother's death I was like a zombie. At night I slept with the light on. It helps, for some reason you feel more protected. Six months later I went to a healer, she treated me with water and relieved my fear. I tried to think sensibly: “We’ll all be there, we need to move on with our lives.” You know, it helped.

Psychologist's answer:

Hello, Polina.

It's pretty difficult topic and a very ambiguous subject: I'm afraid of losing my mother.
What could be more normal and natural? The statement: I am NOT afraid of losing my mother looks much less normal. Is it true?
Here, in my opinion, there are many different nuances and components.
Firstly, this “fear”, and I have already hinted at this above, is quite understandable and natural. Of course, we are ALL afraid of losing the people closest to us - our parents. Especially mom, because it is mom who gives us life, “releases” us from herself into this world, and serves us reliable protection and a guarantor when we are absolutely helpless!
We will always be afraid of losing our parents, because it is they - the “inner circle” - who separate us from the “last step”. They leave and we ourselves take their place. Next... Next, our children will take our place. Etc. Do you understand me?
So, no matter how old we are, when our parents leave, no one stands between us and, excuse me, death. Don't be afraid of this word. Here it means a natural and logical outcome, the finale of a process called “life”!
One of our basic internal states is called the “inner child.” He always protests against growing up, against adulthood. He will always want to remain a child and he will always remain one. But he will always use fear, panic, intransigence to indicate his attitude towards this or that, incomprehensible to him, illogical, uncomfortable, circumstance, event, process!
Your inner child, Polina, is in panic and horror that suddenly the thought has come into his world that the closest and most understandable person could leave forever.
And this, as I already said, is quite logical.
Secondly, there are other basic internal states, helping us to establish a balance in our relationship with the “inner child”. There is also an “inner adult”. It is from the position of an adult that one must reason when dealing with one’s own fears.
Is this fear rational? Does it have real reasons? Are there facts that influence the appearance of fear?
Everything is simple here:
- Is mom healthy?
- Is her job dangerous?
- How high is the probability of an accident? Etc.
Basically, by answering these questions, we fight irrational fears. There is a possibility of an accident, but not everyone gets into it!)))) I hope you understand me here too!
I want to say that the question of almost any fear is overcoming it. You can overcome it by exposure, i.e. RATIONAL, approach to the validity and reasons for fear.
Thirdly, this is difficult and painstaking work on yourself: thoughts, their formulations, speech - all this must be controlled by you.
Only positive language and positive thinking. There are no "no" or "no". Repeat it like a mantra: everything will be fine! Displace negative thoughts! Make sure that a circle does not form: repeating thoughts and sensations must be INTERRUPTED. This is done by displacement (at least start playing in cities with yourself) and switching (switch your head to something relevant and useful). Here!
Further, you need to remember that the emotion of fear is always accompanied by a certain muscle activity (just like any other emotion). Fear is TENSION! A relaxed person does not experience fear.
Conclusion: MUSCLE RELAXATION IS MANDATORY AND SHOWN! Relax your muscles (gymnastics, stretching, alternating muscle tension and relaxation), auto-training and meditation) and the fear will subside! In combination with breathing (inhale - tension, exhale - relaxation) - the effect is wonderful!
IN as a last resort, you can drink some soothing tea or valerian. But this will not help for long.
Pauline! Mom will be okay! Take care of her and yourself.

Nikolina

A little over a year ago, my mother died. She died unexpectedly! I wasn't sick! This is the first death of my relatives in my life... Now I am very afraid! I'm really afraid! I'm afraid that one of my relatives may die! I'm terrified at the thought that something bad might happen to my children. I'm dreaming bad dreams, I'm crying through my sleep, I'm really afraid :(

Nikolina, good afternoon. I'm sorry for your loss. Please write how old are you, who do you live with, work/study with, who helps you with the children?
A specialist will answer the topic after a while and try to help you.

Nikolina

I am 28 years old and live with my husband and two children, his mother helps us. And I work, I don’t study.

Nikolina, hello.
I'm sorry for your loss. This is a serious psychological trauma - the death of a loved one. And you need to live it correctly and react. On the Holmes and Rahe stress scale, you can see that death comes first.

And your fear has a reason - this is the first time in your life that you have encountered such a phenomenon. This is your first sad experience.
You need to live it and let it go. Do you want us to do this together?

Nikolina

Yes, sure

Well let's try.
To overcome this trauma you need to go through several stages:

1. Shock and denial. The first stage of coping with loss occurs immediately after a person learns about grief. The first reaction to the news can be very diverse: screaming, motor excitement, or, conversely, numbness. Then comes a state of psychological shock, which is characterized by a lack of full contact with the outside world and with oneself. A person does everything mechanically, like an automaton. At times it seems to him that he sees everything that is happening to him now in a nightmare. At the same time, all feelings inexplicably disappear, the person may have a frozen facial expression, expressionless and slightly delayed speech. Such “indifference” may seem strange to the bereaved person himself, and often offends the people around him and is perceived as selfishness, but in fact, this imaginary emotional coldness, as a rule, hides deep shock at the loss and protects the person from unbearable heartache.

Denial can be expressed in a simple way - asking again. A person can again and again, as if he did not hear or did not understand, clarify the words and formulations in which he received the bitter news. Actually in this moment he is not hard of hearing, but does not want to believe that something has already happened. And sometimes, the experience is potentially so strong that a person physically cannot “let it go” and can simply forget about the grief until he is ready to experience it. No matter how detailed it is explained to him, he distorts his perception with denial. A person understands that a separation has occurred or he has suffered a loss - a loved one has died, but inside he refuses to accept this fact. Such internal discrepancy is not uncommon, and can be considered a variant of denial. The options for its manifestation can be different: people unconsciously look for the deceased with their eyes in a crowd of passers-by, talk to him, it seems to them that they hear his voice or that he is about to come out from around the corner. It happens that in everyday affairs, relatives, out of habit, proceed from the fact that the deceased person is nearby, for example, they put an extra cutlery on the table for him. Or his room and belongings are kept intact, as if he might be about to return. All this produces a painful impression, but is a normal reaction to the pain of loss and, as a rule, passes over time as the person experiencing the loss realizes its reality and finds the mental strength to face the feelings caused by it. Then the next stage of experiencing grief begins.

2. The second stage is anger and resentment, some authors call it aggression. After the fact of loss is realized, the absence of the deceased is felt more and more acutely. A grieving person replays over and over again the events that preceded the separation or death of a loved one. He tries to comprehend what happened, to find the reasons, and he has a lot of questions from the cycle: “Why?” “Why (why) did such misfortune befall us?”, “Why did this happen to me?” “Why did God let him (her) die?”, “Why couldn’t the doctors save him?”
There can be a huge number of such “whys”, and they pop up in the mind many times. At the same time, a grieving person does not expect an answer as such; this is also a unique form of expressing pain. This is an attempt to shield yourself from pain, a search for reasons in others, a search for those to blame.

Simultaneously with the emergence of such questions, resentment and anger arise towards those who directly or indirectly contributed to the death of a loved one or did not prevent it. Or the address of the departed partner and his loved ones. In this case, the accusation can be directed at fate, at God, at people: doctors, relatives, friends, colleagues of the deceased, at society as a whole, at murderers (or people directly responsible for the death of a loved one), at a mistress, children, relatives. Such a “trial” is more emotional than rational, and therefore sometimes leads to unfounded and unfair reproaches against people who are not only not guilty of what happened, but even tried to help. This whole complex of negative experiences - indignation, anger, resentment, envy or the desire for revenge - is quite natural, but can complicate the communication of the grieving person with family and friends and even with officials or authorities. Moreover, such a number of unfounded reproaches may be made against loved ones during this period that will forever destroy their relationship. It is important that the one who suffered the loss and his loved ones understand that this is such protection. It is easier to reproach, blame, be offended and look for the guilty than to face reality, helplessness and your pain. But the reaction of anger can also be directed at the departed: for leaving and causing suffering, for not preventing death, for not listening, for leaving behind a bunch of problems, including material ones.
3. Stage is the stage of guilt and obsessions.
This is a search for options on how everything could have been different if... A lot of options are scrolling through my head on how everything could have turned out differently... A person can convince himself that if he had the opportunity to turn back time, he would definitely behave according to - to another, loses in the imagination how everything would have been then... “If only I knew...”, “If he...”, “If...”, “If only they had gone to the hospital in time ...”, “If only I could return everything back...”. It would seem that there is no common sense in these arguments; is it possible to predict a separation when it happens suddenly. Is it even possible to foresee sudden death? However, the human psyche is structured in such a way that there is a need for the illusion that it is possible to control everything in life. Is it so? Unlikely. Many examples from practice confirm that control over life is a myth.
Partings, illnesses, death are clear confirmation of this. In addition, the search for one’s own guilt in what happened is often not true and may be inappropriate to the strength of the situation. Control over loss is an illusion. Many people blame themselves for not being attentive enough to a person during their lifetime, for being wrong, for not talking about their love for him, for not asking for forgiveness for something. Others believe they were better off dead. Still others experience a feeling of guilt due to a feeling of relief due to the death of a person. If guilt begins to be of an inadequate nature, grips a person, and prevents him from continuing to live normally, then it is worth thinking about what we're talking about about the adopted feeling.

Stage 4 is depression. This is the period of maximum mental pain, which can even be felt physically. This is a normal state, as a reaction to loss. However, if this condition drags on for years and the next stage does not occur, then the help of a psychotherapist is required. A depressive state may be accompanied by crying, especially when remembering the deceased, the past life together and the circumstances of his death. Or it can be experienced deep inside, when a person still lives with memories, realizing that the former cannot be returned. It seems that life has lost its meaning, there is no strength, no purpose, no meaning. After a loss, a person can cling to suffering as an opportunity to maintain a connection with the deceased, to prove his love for him. The internal logic in this case is something like this: to stop grieving means to calm down, to calm down means to forget, and to forget = to betray. As a result, a person continues to suffer in order to thereby maintain loyalty to the deceased and a spiritual connection with him.

Stage 5 is acceptance of loss. This stage comes as the completion of the previous ones and is characterized by emotional acceptance of the loss. Sorrow recedes, man returns ordinary life, plans are made, goals appear. Characteristic this stage: remembering the loss, a person does not lose strength and balance, on the contrary, he draws strength from it.

How does acceptance of loss actually occur and is it always possible to go through all the stages and end with acceptance? Of course, the duration of the stages is individual for each person. And the stage of depression does not always turn into acceptance.
What is acceptance of loss? Acceptance is when I look at the loss of a loved one calmly, without pain. Otherwise, the “parting” is not completed. This is precisely the task of parting - accepting the loss. A sign of a completed separation is internal change when something changes in a person and a new and different stage in his life begins.

Tell me, Nikolina, at what stage are you now?
Describe your feelings and emotions: what is happening to you, how you feel, using the words from the text above, so that I can understand where you are and where we should go next in our work

Nikolina

I don't know what stage this is. I understand that my mother died and I am not angry with myself or the whole world. I live everyday life. But when I think about my mother, I cry because I miss her! But I can't change anything! Sometimes I smile when I remember some funny moments, but it’s still sad. And I understand that it is normal to feel sad. But what worries me is that I have a huge fear! For your family! I even think that mom was lucky that she didn’t have to go through the death of her parents or children! And I’m very afraid that I will have to go through this! I don't want! I’m no longer afraid that my mother has died, but that someone else will wash me!

But what worries me is that I have a huge fear!

Describe it as if you could see your fear in the form of an object or image...
Is it inside you? Or outside?
What it looks like:
-what does it look like
-color
-size
-form
How do you feel in your body when you talk about your fear? In what part of the body does it respond: head, chest, legs... What kind of sensation is this: cold, heat, numbness...

Nikolina

I'm afraid for others! And for myself, probably to the extent that I will have to accept it and experience it.

I don't know what stage this is. I understand that my mother died and I am not angry with myself or the whole world. I live everyday life. But when I think about my mother, I cry because I miss her! But I can't change anything! Sometimes I smile when I remember some funny moments, but it’s still sad. And I understand that it is normal to feel sad.

Do I understand correctly that you accepted her departure?
Have you simply come to terms with or really realized that all people die sooner or later and this is normal, despite all its frightening situation...

Nikolina

I accepted it as a fact. But I haven’t fully come to terms with him. I'm sad. And because of this, I am afraid that I will not be able to accept such grief. I understand everything in my head, but somewhere subconsciously this fear took hold. So real - like when I was a child I was afraid of dogs, and there was a lump in my throat and the feeling of this fear physically... So now I’m scared by the thought of the death of my relatives

Nikolina

When I talk about my mother, I want to cry, but in most cases I hold back from this lump in my throat, from the tears contained within me. When I'm alone I cry, probably from sadness. Like a child after its mother. (And now I’m crying). Sometimes when I see grown women on the street and they are talking on the phone with their mother... Or I see an old woman and think that she is someone’s mother, I envy, I’m probably even angry somewhere... why do they live and my mother died! !! So early...

When I talk about my mother, I want to cry, but in most cases I hold back from this lump in my throat, from the tears contained within me. When I'm alone I cry, probably from sadness. Like a child after its mother. (And now I’m crying). Sometimes when I see grown women on the street and they are talking on the phone with their mother... Or I see an old woman and think that she is someone’s mother, I envy, I’m probably even angry somewhere... why do they live and my mother died! !! So early...

This means there was no complete response...

Tell me, how old is the child who is now crying for his mother? The first number that comes to mind.. Without thinking..

Nikolina

7 for some reason... I often convince people that everything will be fine. And now everything is fine with my family. And it’s scary that things could become different.

Tell me, if it weren’t for this fear, would it be easier for you to accept her leaving? Let's imagine purely theoretically:
here you are, the one who is calm, without fears, confident that everything will be fine. All her relatives are in perfect health, she works and lives a normal life.
Did you imagine yourself like this?
Did you manage to see such an image? If yes, please describe it in more detail:
-what does it look like?
-facial expression?
-mood?
-What impression does it make?

Happened?

7 for some reason... I often convince people that everything will be fine. And now everything is fine with my family. And it’s scary that things could become different.

Well, this is your inner CHILD who lives inside you.
Our internal mental space is divided into three: PARENT - CHILD - ADULT.
E. Berne writes about this very clearly in his book “Games People Play”

Ego states
Transactional analysis is based on the idea of ​​three ego states in which a person can be: adult, child and parent.

An adult is the rational principle of a person. What allows us to objectively assess the environment, develop an action plan and make decisions. This roughly corresponds to the Freudian ego.

Child – natural and spontaneous reactions, emotional impulsive behavior. At the same time, this ego state also includes certain behavior patterns learned in childhood - submission and helplessness or rebellion. The mental structure corresponding to Freud's id.

The parent is a strong-willed directive component of the personality. Sometimes he consoles and cares, and sometimes he demands, threatens and prohibits. A person borrows a parent’s behavior model from significant others with whom he had close contact in childhood. The parent corresponds to Freud's superego.

To one degree or another, these ego states are common to all of us. Each of them is appropriate and necessary under certain circumstances. An adult allows us to effectively analyze and solve pressing life problems. Without the inner child, life would be dreary and dull, and the parent regulates the moral side of life. But when these ego states manifest themselves inappropriately or are severely imbalanced, this leads to serious problems in life.

Yes, and your CHILD at the age of 7 cannot yet imagine how to live now without his mother and he is, of course, scared..
You can now imagine yourself at 7 years old (or rather, remember that girl with bows...).
See her image somewhere near you... Did it work?
And now you can become her older friend, even her mother:
She needs to be reassured and told that you are nearby and now you will always be there and take care of her! Make friends with her and get her to stop crying, agree on eternal friendship and love
This is a slightly unusual, but very effective technique for accepting your inner child)
Try it and unsubscribe

And one more task: you need to write a letter to your mother
Subject of the letter: unfinished conversation.
A letter in which you express all the words that you wanted, but could not or were unable to say during her life, you can also express all your grievances and complaints. You need to thank her at the end for everything and imagine that she will be able to read everything you wrote.

Take a piece of paper and write STRICTLY BY HAND a LETTER TO YOUR MOTHER on it, according to the following model:
Dear (name) I am offended by you because (list all the situations, even small insignificant grievances) I am angry because (write until you feel that this feeling has not dried up) I am sad because ... I'm afraid that... I regret that... I'm grateful to you for... I love you for...

In 15 minutes maximum, put all your thoughts on paper. At the end of the letter, add that you are letting your mother go with love and gratitude. After you write the letter, take a new sheet of paper and write a response to the letter to yourself. And let it seem to you that this is complete nonsense. Doesn't matter! Write what you want to hear, write regardless of what you think about it. How you write it depends on whether you lived your emotions or not. In order to become happy, you need to cleanse yourself completely, that is, you need to give up everything that interferes. After you do this, destroy both letters. This, of course, will not completely relieve you of the indicated problems, but it will noticeably relieve the symptoms.

Reading time: 3 min

How to cope with the death of your mother? A loss loved one is the most stressful factor of all. The death of a mother takes anyone by surprise and is experienced quite hard at any age, whether the child is five years old or fifty. It can take several years to get over such a shock, and if you don't pay enough attention to moving through the stages of grief, the consequences can remain an unhealed wound throughout your life.

It is quite normal that you will want to talk about your mother with everyone around you and quite often. Perhaps memories of your mother will emerge at inappropriate, strange moments that were not previously associated with her. When you feel such a desire to express your thoughts, do not lock it inside yourself. Admit that you are bored and need support. It may seem that people around you are indifferent to your tragedy because they do not want to discuss this topic. In fact, a person may be afraid of hurting you with inappropriate remarks or making you cry with some questions. It is precisely guided by concern for you and the low ability to tolerate the crying and suffering of others that people try to limit conversations on the topic of your loss or shake you out of your worries.

Expecting outside help can have the opposite effect, causing people to sincerely wish you well. Help them in this desire to choose the necessary form. When you want to tell something, ask to be nearby and listen, please note that this does not oblige the person to solve problems or lift your spirits, but simply to listen. When someone is too intrusive or rude in their desire to help, communicate your discomfort, ask not to interfere, or say that you will start a conversation when the need arises. With such people it is better not to discuss the loss of the person closest to you, so as not to get hurt even more; it is also good to arrange moments of silence for yourself.

How to cope with the death of your mother? Do not be alone with your experiences and do not devalue them, even if there are no people around you who can adequately stay with you or give practical advice, you can turn to a psychotherapist, a priest or a person you like. How you live your feelings depends on your decisions and choices - help yourself survive the death of your mother by guiding those around you in their aspirations and looking for ways of coping that suit you.

Such a strong emotional shock as the death of a mother happens to everyone, of course, you are unlikely to be able to forget this fact and make the memories exceptionally joyful, devoid of a bitter aftertaste, but you can gradually return to your full functioning, and replace the pain with a feeling of light sadness.

How can it be easier to cope with the death of your mother? You should not rush in the desire to quickly bring your life to the image in which it was familiar before the tragedy. Firstly, this is impossible, since your life has changed significantly, and ignoring this fact violates your vision, and therefore your interaction with reality.

Secondly, you need to give yourself enough time to mourn, experience pain and melancholy, without looking at examples of who coped with this shock for how long. People have different relationships with their mothers, and death itself can be different, which also affects the rate at which sadness decreases.

Seek help from friends from whom you can either simply wrap yourself in a blanket on the balcony and sit silently for several hours, or understand how to survive the death of your mother and the grief that may follow you out of the false hope that everything could be fixed. But remember that not all your friends may know what you need and how you should generally be treated during this period. Choose people who can support you now, and learn to refuse help that can harm you or you feel resistance (go to a club, start a new romance, take on a difficult project - to distract yourself).

How to cope with the death of your mother from cancer?

The way a person dies leaves an imprint on those who remain to live. Sudden and quick death takes you by surprise, gives rise to a feeling of confusion and indignation at injustice, there are many understatements and regrets about the fact that you rarely saw each other, and in the last conversation you were rude. In the event of death from cancer, there are several specific issues for the children of the dying woman.

Most often, this death is not sudden and easy. The patient himself and his relatives are informed of the irreversibility of the approaching outcome and are forced to live the remaining days with this burden. Of course, such knowledge, obtained in advance, makes it possible to ask what you didn’t dare, talk about the most important things, and ask for forgiveness. You cannot be absolutely prepared, but you can be partially prepared in some everyday and ritual matters. But when a mother dies of cancer, it tests her spirit and also poses a difficult challenge for children who begin to go through the stages of loss while their mother is still alive.

This is the desire to deny what is happening, disbelief in doctors and diagnosis. He is born for the higher powers for allowing this to happen, for his mother for being sick, for himself for being powerless. A lot of negativity and confusion in front of the future, which threatens to take away from the world the one who has always been there and archetypally represents this whole world, poses a cruel test to the human psyche. Often, with such a diagnosis, you have to sacrifice important parts of your life in order to care for your mother, while being in a semi-shock state in which the person himself needs help. This is all very exhausting and a desire is born to “rather,” for which many will then eat themselves with an eternal feeling of guilt.

Here it is worth sharing that you did not want your mother to die quickly, you wanted an end to suffering for her and for yourself, and possibly for your entire family. Death from cancer is often a mixture of grief and relief from one's own suffering. Here you need to understand that it was not in your power to change the hour of your mother’s death, no matter how well you took care of her.

You may develop your own oncology or feel phantom pain in the same place as the deceased. Of course, you can conduct an examination and it is even recommended to do this once a year, but if the symptoms continue to bother you, you should contact a psychotherapist to disidentify with the destructive image.

All other recommendations are the same as for other losses of loved ones - experience grief, use support, wisely restructure your life and gradually return to your usual routine, paying due attention to caring for the maintenance of physical resources.

How to help a child cope with the death of his mother?

There is an opinion that a child experiences loss more easily than an adult, quickly forgets, and may not even be aware of the fact of the death of a parent. Fundamentally incorrect statement, which breaks the psyche of many children, because if an adult has already formed some adaptive concepts and the ability to survive independently in this world, then for a child the death of his mother is tantamount to an apocalypse, since his survival is completely dependent on her.

The experience of grief in children looks specific, different from the crying and hysterics of adults, and assessing their behavior according to the criteria of adult characteristics can lead to the idea that he easily endured the death of his mother, then when it is time to sound the alarm. When a child bursts into tears, they understand and feel sorry for him, but often the child becomes very quiet, obedient, and they like to explain this behavior by saying that now there is no one to pamper him and so he began to behave normally. In fact, inside the child there is a scorched desert and together with the mother, a large part of his soul (responsible for the manifestation and understanding of emotions) has died and now a person is needed who can replace the mother in the field of the emotional world and learning the ability to deal with them.

Children do not perceive loss in the same way as adults, so they may not speak in the usual words about their grief, but complain about boredom (the world without their mother is not interesting to them), withdraw into themselves, and prefer the company of croaking babies, old people and animals. This choice is due to the fact that these living beings can provide tactile support, and at the same time they will not fiddle with, require activity or vitality. If you observe such alienation in a child, help him survive the death of his mother before he completely withdraws or stops talking (in particularly critical situations).

When you are in contact with a bereaved child, you will notice how quiet stage shock will be replaced by a stage of anger directed at the deceased mother for leaving her here alone, but the psyche does not have the opportunity to recognize such anger in childhood, and therefore it begins to pour out without any address on all surrounding people, objects, weather, phenomena. But instead of anger, another reaction may appear - a feeling of guilt, based on confidence; if he had behaved well (arrived on time, helped more, brought tea to his mother, etc.), then his mother would have been with him. Feelings of guilt in the death of a mother can arise often and at any age, but on this basis a child can believe in his unique great power, the consequences of which can range from tragic cases and psychiatry to unnecessary, in fear of provoking the death of someone else with their incorrectness.

As we see, a child’s feelings in the process of experiencing grief can be polar and fluctuate with unpredictable frequency. Most of all, he needs a smooth, supportive environment, a person who is able to contain and explain to the child himself what is happening to him now, and that this is normal and he is accepted in any condition.

All social issues regarding adoption or guardianship should be resolved in as soon as possible and without changing the decision, since with a long suspended state, the child’s adaptation is delayed. The more different options change, the more internal resources will be spent on getting used to new guardians and new homes, and there may be no mental and mental strength left to process grief.

How to help a child cope with the death of his mother? As you return to your usual activities, offer your child something new that can partially fill his days (classes, hobbies, travel). And while the baby is undergoing his adaptation and experiencing grief, you will have a very valuable separate task - to preserve the memories of his mother. Collect photos and some things, write down stories, her favorite books, places, perfumes. Perhaps at some stages the child will help you with this, at others he will try to destroy everything or will be indifferent - continue collecting, you are doing this for his future. And when the child’s heart ache and he asks to talk about his mother, you can return to him as much memory of her as possible by passing on what belonged to her, talking about her funny characteristics and desires, going to her favorite places.

Speaker of the Medical and Psychological Center "PsychoMed"