Our professionals can handle the bitterness of loss. The bitterness of loss. How to help a loved one cope with grief

Man, unfortunately, is not eternal - and even the best, most beloved people sooner or later leave us... It is difficult to survive, the bitterness of loss temporarily overshadows everything in the world for us - but, one way or another, life goes on for us too you need to find the strength to move on. How to do this - let's talk...

No matter how bad and painful we feel, we need the grieving process as special work souls - the work of cleansing, growing up and accepting this world as it is. In order to complete this work, we need to go through all the stages of grief to the end, accept it completely and drink this cup to the bottom. If we fail to follow this path correctly, if we get stuck at some points along the way, the grieving process becomes pathological, and sometimes it is no longer possible to do without the help of a psychotherapist.

Where does this path begin?

Our first reaction to the death of a loved one is shock and numbness. “It can’t be” is the first thing that comes to almost everyone’s mind: we don’t want and even physically “cannot” believe in what happened. Sometimes a person is in so much pain that all his reactions seem to be dulled and outwardly it may even look like indifference: “I didn’t shed a tear.” However, usually this is simply protecting our psyche from too strong emotions that it is not ready to cope with. Alas, some do not cope, they do not manage to go further, and they psychologically “petrify” forever, especially in the case of the loss of dearly loved people - children, spouses, parents, the emotional attachment to whom was extremely strong.

The numbness is replaced by the search stage: the person accepts the fact that the deceased is not around, but he cannot believe that this is forever. The deceased seems to be pursuing the grieving person: on the street it seemed as if he had passed by, someone laughed in the same way, something creaked in his room and on the back of a chair was his sweater... The feeling that the one who died, in fact is somewhere very close. Sometimes a person begins to feel like he is going crazy (and sometimes, alas, this actually happens), especially if the grief in his life is very strong or simply the first, that is, he has never experienced anything like this before. This phase lasts from 9 to 40 days: believers believe that the soul of the deceased is on earth at this time and says goodbye to everything that was dear.

In the end, a person realizes the reality of the loss, and a stage of acute grief sets in, when despair literally “covers” the head and many frightening feelings and thoughts appear: about the meaninglessness of life, about one’s own guilt before the deceased, which can now not be redeemed; about those words that are not spoken, and about those promises that are not fulfilled and can never be fulfilled... The deceased seems to us better than we thought about him during life: all the good things are remembered, all the bad things are repressed from memory - saying “It’s either good or nothing about the dead” was not invented in vain...

Sometimes at this stage, a grieving person almost completely withdraws into himself, withdraws, moves away from loved ones, and sometimes identifies himself in some way with the deceased: he adopts his habits, gait, and gestures. Symptoms of diseases that the deceased suffered from may even appear: signs of radiculitis, hypertension or migraine in a previously completely healthy person. Unfortunately, not everyone emerges from this phase, remaining mentally forever closer to the deceased than to those living nearby.

Going through all this is difficult, but important: at the end of this stage, old emotional ties with the deceased are broken and new ones are formed. Sooner or later, life gradually returns to its usual rut, and the loss of a loved one ceases to be the most important event in life. Grief is no longer painfully acute and persistent, but seems to roll in like a wave in connection with certain events: the first new year without the deceased is coming; now his first birthday has passed - without him; a document in his name arrived in the mail or an old acquaintance from those who knew nothing about death called... Tears roll down and a lump comes to our throats, but we are already coming to terms with the fact that what happened is a given, and that we have to live further. The anniversary of death usually marks the end of this cycle.

The final stage is constructive, it adapts us to reality and reconciles us with it. Grief is reborn into remembrance, into light sadness and sadness for the departed. The person who left us no longer lives in our minds, but his image remains. This stage is extremely important: after all, you can survive all the previous ones, but block the memories and not let the image of the deceased into your current life - then the work of grief will not be completed and relief will never come.
So often in a family where a child has died, parents seem to “cross out” this terrible episode from life, forbidding themselves, relatives, and other children to return to those difficult events. This is a path to self-destruction for all members of such a family, since allowing the images of the departed to be nearby is very important. How important it is to preserve the memory of everyone who was part of our lives, and the joy of the fact that these people WERE in our lives...

Have you ever noticed how we get to know other people? We ask them where they live, what they do, what kind of education they have, and the like. And this is not simple curiosity. We ask for what we really need in order to create a complete image of this person in our imagination. A certain operating mini-model inherent to him, in order to know how he thinks and what he is interested in, and somehow anticipate his behavior in a given situation.

This makes it easier for us to contact other people, easier to predict our interaction even when we're talking about about ordinary communication. But by doing this, we endow this image of our ideas with our own vital energy.

Until this image, artificially created by us, begins to live in our thoughts, dream, make our plans and almost breathe, just like in real life. And we even begin to dream when we need it.

How to cope with the grief of loss

If this happens to people we previously did not know, then what can we say about those whom we sometimes know even better than ourselves - our family and friends? Therefore, when they die, without exaggeration, a part of ourselves dies. It's like losing an arm or a leg. Or the heart. Or stomach.

It is not surprising that in the event of such a loss, especially when it comes unexpectedly, we often cannot consciously accept what has happened. We deny, we fall into a state of shock, we may even lose consciousness. Yes, it’s the same as cutting off some part of the body without anesthesia! Because the pain is so real. How to survive the bitterness of losing a loved one?

To help a person, you need to do at least the most elementary: remind him that he needs to eat and sleep, brush his teeth and dress for the weather. If none of your loved ones or friends are near you, do not forget to take care of yourself: drink hot tea, dress warmly or sit down to rest.

And if you can't, don't force yourself. Our psyche often knows better what we need. So just listen to yourself and take care of yourself. And one more thing - put it aside for now important decisions for later. The time will come and it will become a little easier for you! Then you will return to them.

At the same time, you can try to listen to these self-help tips for overcoming grief. Knowing that you are not alone, that other people have also once gone through similar losses, sometimes helps. Although not always.

How to help a loved one cope with grief

It may be that grief did not befall you directly, but one of your loved ones: your wife, sister, neighbor, and the like. What to do then?

If, God forbid, you have a difficult mission to bring bad news, never speak right away! What they show in cheap TV series, that a person needs to be somehow pre-prepared for bad news, is true!

Give her or him at least a minute or two to prepare for the news. And it’s good if there are some sedatives next to you at that moment, or at least just a glass of water (the very act of swallowing reflexively relieves the spasm and therefore helps somewhat).

If you can, just stay with this person for a minute, give him the opportunity to recover at least a little, hold him, help him sit in a chair or collect his thoughts.

Perhaps he will need to call somewhere or he will be so shocked that he will not be able to find the key to his own apartment on his own. You may need help getting dressed or checking that everything in the house is turned off: electricity, gas, iron. Maybe you should call your family or children instead.

So what next?

In the first hours and days after a loss, a person is usually in a state of deep shock; he often does not realize what is happening around him, especially when someone young passes away, as unfortunately happens so often now. Subsequently, individual events, entire episodes, days or even weeks may disappear from his memory.

Our Christian customs and rituals: farewell ceremony for the deceased, church service, funeral. It is good when the deceased is buried in an open coffin. It hurts, but it helps you quickly accept what happened. It’s a pity that now this is not always possible; now we often see zinc coffins.

This state of shock usually lasts a week or two. It is not for nothing that it is customary for us to remember the deceased on the ninth day. This is a very important period of experience, the main burden of which falls on those who are nearby. It is advisable that this person is not related to the deceased by blood ties, so that he can bear it easier and be a little more adequate.

After this, as a rule, it becomes a little easier, although the dull pain can last a long time: months or even years. Especially when parents bury their children, when together with the child they lose all the hopes they placed in her, and therefore cease to see the very meaning of their further existence.

Once lost, you won't always find it,
And having found it, they don’t always lose it.
Lies lied to common truths,
As the days increase, life is consumed.

There is no meaning in the words of the faithful if,
There is no faith in them, only sound.
Only when souls are put into a song,
She will cure them from torment.

Only when faith is not abstract
And believing in goodness, you live by it.
Life will bring him back many times over,
And then, what you sow, you reap.

After all, then the emptiness of loss,
There will be something to fill in life.
A person must believe in himself
To not be anyone in the world.

Having lost...

Lost love. Lost.
It is unknown who got it.
From such a loss it became “fun”,
She twisted her hem and played tricks...

Restaurants, nightclubs…
Kissed lips without love...
Without love they hugged you there.
The rooms were sometimes rented...

How you rolled down the mountain towards the abyss
And she only asked: “Oh my God, forgive me!”
Only my heart sometimes sank:
“Well, why did you lose your love?”

I lost you my love
Sorry for not saving you,
Love burns with fire - darling
I miss... I miss... I miss...

I remember you, my love,
Those meetings under my window,
And I live only on memories -
There was one happiness for two!

I fell in love with your eyes
Then your kind smile,
Now I dream of one thing...
When I see your eyes and I'm drowning!

I lost you, my love!
I'll never forget
Your sweet smile
Your brown eyes!

I've lost myself, I'm confused,
I got lost between good and evil.
I'm wrapped in a fog of illusions,
He suddenly disappeared like smoke.

In everyday life, becoming everyday life,
In gray everyday life, squeezed as if in a vice.
And they are to me, with that ashen grayness,
We were able to turn our temples gray.

I don’t want changes - like I once did,
They will break my world again.
I'm tired, I have the lethargy of sunset,
Dark scarlet, like my blood.

Behind the barn on a pile of manure,
Unable to overcome the stench,
A tender white rose bloomed,
Unclean in the midst, must...

I lost my peace of sleep,
Apparently he dropped it somewhere.
And without rest, night,
The hour has become unpleasant for me now.

The moon is bright in the sky
It shines, which worries me.
Hammer pulse in the temples,
With the moon nearby, clouds face.

The swing creaks outside the window,
The shadow swings on them.
In the distance there is a ridge of mountains and spruce trees,
Gloomy, like in evil nightmares.

He cried out pitifully with a signal,
Passing a truck.
The train whistles at the station,
He was answered by a scream.

And then silence again,
It's nighttime and you need to sleep.
And I'm somewhere in the peace of sleep,
Having lost, I can’t sleep...

I lost the keys to a fairy tale,
And I live, within me, the fate of this niche.
Do not become a whole candle stub,
And myself, I can’t rise higher.

Everything is a lie, they lied to me with words,
There are no miracles in the world.
I can't feel the floor under my feet,
The weight of the years has become heavy.

I am a hindrance - a subject of irritation,
Like a pebble in an old shoe.
From me - discomfort for movement,
There is no use for anyone on Earth.

I used to escape into a fairy tale, but now,
I lost the keys to it somewhere.
And I can’t open the door to it,
I can't...

7 years ago I lost my brother.
Often remembering this, only now I realized that simple words - “I love you” - are so significant.
How much has not been said to my brother. That I love him, that he is dear to me. I couldn't imagine that he wouldn't be there...
when on December 31, the doctor said that he had a few hours left to live, I DIDN’T BELIEVE it!
I didn’t believe that there would be no more fun and noisy birthdays; his friends at our house. That my brother's room will be mine. But he won’t be.
On that New Year, he was in intensive care under an IV. And we set the table, put a plate for him and put clean linen in his bed - we sat in silence. But we knew that HE was with us.
In the New Year he lived only a little over 3 hours. At 3 hours 50 minutes his life was cut short... There was a sea of ​​tears.
Time has passed. During these 7 years that he has not been with us. I often saw him in my dreams. That he got married, bought a car and had a son. I probably would really like this, but... Now I tell my parents more often that I love them. After all, even though we (the children) have already grown up, for our parents we are still children, no matter how old we get.
Here's another weird thing:
When I was 6 years old. Playing in the yard with my friends in the summer. I found a new, unburnt candle. In the form of a dragon figure, red. And it was the red dragon (2000 is the year of the red, fiery dragon) who took his brother. Analyzing this, I think it’s just a coincidence. Or maybe not? Maybe candles and wax have some kind of power? Don't know. I don't believe in all this. But the fact is the fact. It's a shame there's nothing that can be fixed. And my brother won’t come back, and childhood won’t come. I blame myself for this. But who knew that this would happen 13 years later. I still love him, even though he's gone. After all, they say: “A man lives as long as he is remembered.” This means that BROTHER will live as long as I am alive. Because he will always be in my memory.

Tell your family and friends more often that you love them, that they are dear to you. Especially older people. They want this so much - to be needed. Once again, call your friends who have their own families and worries. After all, there is a lot that I want to say and I need to do it on time.
It’s not for nothing that there are words: “We don’t value what we have, but when we lose it, we cry.” After all, often, upon learning that a person has passed away... We immediately say how significant and good he was. It's better to do this while we're here. On the ground.
God bless you all!

Reviews

Lena, how familiar all this is to me! I lost, first, my dad, then two sisters, one after the other, went into another world, very young, but recently I buried my mother...
It happens... Well, you can blame yourself for not doing something for them. He could have, but he didn’t. Or for doing something wrong.
I'm familiar with this. I probably gave them little love too...
So it seems to me now. And I will regret this until the end of my days.
Yes, you need to love and give love free of charge. To your loved ones, family...
To my children...
Everything will come back a hundredfold.
What about the wax candle? Just a coincidence. There is no such thing as mysticism. Everything is understandable.
With warmth, Tatyana
:)))

It’s very difficult when you lose loved ones, especially your parents. Take heart. Strength and health to you, Tatyana.
Thank you for reassuring me about the candles. It tormented me.
All the best to you. Lena

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