A reason to live up to others' expectations. What are the dangers of expectations in relationships? Frustration is the difference between the two scenarios

All expectations come from childhood. That's why they have so much pain, resentment and disappointment. And most importantly, all these expectations are unconscious.

Some lacked (for objective reasons) care, some lacked attention, some lacked recognition that she was unique and valuable. Some were not hugged, no words of love were spoken, others were not supported at all.

We grow up, but these needs remain unsatisfied, and they sit in us like splinters, and we don’t even know about their existence, we don’t realize that we can help ourselves. We expect our loved ones to solve these problems and relieve our pain.

We fall into dependent relationships, try to earn love, adjust, wait, demand, get disappointed. And so on in a circle.

We fall into the trap of expectations.

What to do?

This is probably the most difficult advice I've ever given you:

You need to accept that your unmet needs will never be met in the way you expect. There will no longer be a loving mother and a strong father who can do this. Justice will not prevail.

After all, in essence, when we expect from others special treatment to yourself,
satisfaction of needs, then we expect this from them as from parents.

Can they do it? Even if they really want to, even if they love us very much... they won’t be able to do it.

But at the same time, they can give us something else. And if you sort out your expectations, then this other thing will be no less valuable.

Here's your homework. Understand your expectations: what do I expect from people close to me? And what are they willing to give me? real life, and not in fictitious expectations?

After all, if you figure this out, how will you react when your friend doesn’t understand you? How will you react to the fact that she has her own life and her own worries, and they are more important to her than your life?

How will you react when your husband doesn’t guess what you want? When you crave warmth, understanding and care, like in childhood, but in response he closes down and even gets angry?

It is for this reason that many women avoid contact with men and do not make girlfriends. Because they understand that they will not get what they expect from them. To face this fact again is to experience pain again. And it turns out that refusal to communicate is a defense.

In this case, removing protection means giving up childhood expectations and learning to interact with others from an adult state. And the main thing is to understand that people are ready to give us much more - communication, a different view of the world, new knowledge, their uniqueness. Complete this list yourself.

I have noticed that many women act with the wrong expectations. This includes the desire to change your life, get support and attention, get rid of pain, and become happy once and for all.

These are again expectations that most likely will not be met.

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Tatiana Dzutseva.

One of the times in our lives when resentment arises is when we make assumptions about how events in our lives should unfold. If our expectations no longer coincide with reality, then we get angry.

But if our expectations do not coincide with reality, when we expect certain actions from loved one, then we either get even more angry or offended.

Many are simply sure that loving person must always feel what we need and give it to us without further ado.

How did we decide that this should be the case?

Most often, this is the immature position of an adult child. If he loves me, he will understand, he must feel. Such a woman most often feels the needs of others well. There is a habit of adapting and pleasing.

This mechanism is established in childhood and then continues to accompany us throughout life. We are sure that this is how intimacy is built. If I forget about myself in order to feel your needs and please you, then I have the right to receive the same in return!

And this is an even better scenario.

It’s worse if as a child you got used to being owed money. Your parents were so obsessed with the idea of ​​“giving the child everything” that in adulthood, when you suddenly realize that no one is running, serving, or doing for you, shock and resentment arise. Moreover, such people are most often absolutely sure that they don’t owe anyone anything!

Disappointed by our unjustified expectations, we begin to look for the reason for our heartache. And, unfortunately, most often we see this reason in those who surround us, who are not attentive enough to us, but not in themselves.

It can be difficult for us to understand that it is precisely this pain that we create for ourselves, expecting that our loved one should live primarily by our interests and our problems.

When you hear about it from the outside, it is obvious that it is utopian. But when we are absorbed in relationships and are 100% included in the life of another, then this seems very fair.

And we forget that being near us is his voluntary choice, made because he enjoys being near us. And if he is forced to “buy” his right to be with us through small favors and constant concessions, then sooner or later, instead of the joy of living together, he begins to experience a feeling of lack of freedom, which kills all the good that is in the relationship.

Any relationship is a result conscious choice everyone in favor of this relationship. And he means, among other things. freedom of expression in showing your feelings. Each party, first of all, should feel gratitude for what it already receives, perceiving it as a gift, and not as something taken for granted. And when another, due to circumstances, can no longer give himself, then it is appropriate to experience regret rather than resentment. After all, he didn’t owe us anything...

I talk a lot about relationships precisely because most often we are unfairly offended by our loved ones. But it is much more difficult for a stranger to offend us, unless by insulting us. After all, we, as a rule, do not expect anything from someone else, which means we are not disappointed or offended by him.

What to do?

Firstly, figure out what expectations have a place in a relationship, and what there is nothing to do.

Secondly, accept the fact that another's duty to you is a choice. And this choice can only concern certain aspects of life together, but not total servility to you in everything.

It's the same and vice versa.

When these aspects within yourself are clarified, it becomes easier to live and build relationships.

Thirdly, It’s important to look into your childhood and see what habits you created for yourself in your parent’s family. Today, as an adult woman, do they help her live happily or hinder her?

Fourthly, realize the role that resentment plays in your life and how this feeling is related to unjustified expectations.

Dealing with feelings of resentment will allow you to look at the world with different eyes!

Life doesn't always give us what we want. What to do if your expectations are not met? The editor of the psychology section of the magazine, psychologist Nina Fedorovna Rusakova, reflects on the letters from readers.

“My son graduated from school this year. I didn’t want to apply to the institute. He sleeps all day and sits at the computer at night. It’s good that he doesn’t ask me for money. They do something there with the guys on the computer, they get paid. Every day I ask: “When are you going to get a job?” He waves it off: “Leave me alone.” I raised my son alone, hoping he would become my support. How can I get him to go to work or study?” Nadezhda K., Ekaterinburg.

- Why do you think that your son doesn’t work? He does something on the computer and gets some money. The whole problem is that you imagined how everything should turn out for your son: school - college - work from nine to six. This is probably how you lived too. But tell me, were you happy about this? Children see that this model of life did not bring success to their parents, so why should they repeat this path?

A young man is looking for himself, trying to understand how he can make money and get pleasure from it. And there is no need to demand that he start work book and definitely put it in the personnel department of some office. We rush our children all the time: even at school, go to preparatory courses go to college, go to work as a student in your future specialty.

If a person knows what he wants, he will strive to gain knowledge and experience as early as possible. What if he doesn’t know? Give him the opportunity to find himself. In the West, for example, now parents do not worry at all if their son or daughter does not work for two years after school. Or they will work from time to time.

If an adult needs knowledge, he will go to college at both 30 and 40 years old. “Forcing” a person to live the life that we have come up with for him is difficult even at an earlier age, let alone at 17-18 years old.

The only thing you can demand is that your son contribute his penny of labor to total budget family if you live together. Respect his choice, give him advice, share your thoughts, but stop fighting him and putting pressure on him.

“You may not believe me, but at the age of 40 I fell in love for the first time. I understood what happiness is. But the man I love is married and he has no feelings for me. We had a serious conversation, from which it became clear that I had no hope. What should I do now? Victoria A., Krasnodar

- Enjoy life and thank fate for allowing you to experience such wonderful feelings. Imagine how poor your life would be if this love had not happened. Or think how many people in the world now would dream of being in your place: they want to fall in love, but they cannot. We all crave love. But when it comes, we begin to demand that it correspond to our scenario.

You would like a man to return your feelings, divorce his wife and marry you. But he has his own ideas about own life, and apparently you don’t fit into them. What to do, it happens. Moreover, this is what happens most often. And it’s a miracle when two people’s feelings for each other flare up at the same time, and it turns out that they want to continue moving through life together. If you love this particular man, and not your dreams of how wonderful it would be with him, do not demand anything from him in return. Rejoice in what you have, give your loved one good, warm feelings, your admiration for him, your wonderful feeling that he exists in the world.

Believe me, even if you don’t outwardly express your emotions, he will still feel it. And he will be grateful to you. If you learn to give love unselfishly, you will quickly get out of your torment that your feelings are unrequited.

“I recently found out that the company where my husband works has a tradition of giving flowers to wives on Fridays. But my husband never came that day with a bouquet. I was very upset. What does this mean? That he doesn't love me? Doesn’t he consider it worthy to receive flowers?” Elvira T., St. Petersburg

- Or maybe you should ask your husband why he doesn’t give you flowers on Fridays, and not the editor? Sometimes people act as if they have no speaking skills. You came up with an explanation for your husband’s action: “He doesn’t love me, he neglects me,” you believed it and got upset. Or maybe, in fact, he doesn’t like flowers, feels stupid holding a bouquet in his hands and would prefer to buy you a non-stick frying pan? Or does he not want to do like everyone else and give you flowers on Fridays and not on other days? Or thinks that you don’t like bouquets? Or do you accept flowers in such a way that he loses all desire to give them?

If you were to calmly ask why he doesn't do this, you might get a very specific answer. Moreover, you could ask your husband: “You know, I would be pleased if you gave me flowers at the end of the week, like your colleagues do.” But for some reason we believe that an action that was performed at our request has less value than an action that we did not ask for.

Now, if the person himself guessed what you want, it would be nice. In fact, we all have different upbringings, different ideas about how to do things right. Therefore, sometimes you just need to tell your husband what you would like, and not be offended by him.

“I was born in a mining town in the northern Urals. And the main goal of my life was to get out of there. I wanted to go to America. After graduating from school, my dreams began to slowly come true - I entered a Moscow university, then found myself good job, bought first a room, then an apartment. And then everything stalled. My two attempts to go to the States were stopped. The first time they didn’t give me a visa, the second time the “fiancé” I found on the Internet chickened out. last moment. I’m in despair, I keep thinking: well, why is fate so unfair to me?” Inna V., Moscow

- Do you think that life is obliged to fulfill our desires? Ask your friends and colleagues what they dreamed of in their youth has come true. Yes, you are a strong-willed person and have done a lot in your life. But nevertheless, she follows her own laws. The failure to fulfill your desires could have happened because you began to be offended by fate when it did not fulfill your next dream - to go to America. And if you continue to persist and make demands on life, it may change for the worse so much that your current situation will seem simply wonderful to you.

Therefore, you need to thank fate for what it gave you and start thinking positively. Take a break, don’t rush to storm the next bastion. Think, if something is not given, maybe this is fate’s way of sending a sign that you don’t need it? It happens that some achieve their goal without regard for means, without paying attention to obvious clues. And then... these are the people who like to repeat: “Beware of your wishes, they will come true.”

"I have two higher education, intellectual work. And my husband is a taxi driver who barely graduated high school. But he was drawn to knowledge, and I was sure that I could help him along this path. However, a year after the wedding, he began to laugh at my work, at my desires to involve him in intellectual life. And now he simply responds with aggression when I slip him the right books, suggest watching a good movie or going to the theater. It’s very difficult for me, because I so want to share my joy, my impressions with my loved one!” Julia T., Rostov-on-Don

— You are at different stages of development. You are a cultured person, a seeker, you are interested in philosophy. And your husband lives with earthly problems and joys. Don't judge him or try to force him into your world. It frightens your husband, makes him feel inadequate, and maybe forces him to think about things he would rather not think about.

Yes, there are people who haven't received good education, but they strive for knowledge without outside pushing. Your husband is apparently not one of those people. So be flexible. Allow your spouse to remain at the stage of development where he feels comfortable and happy. Try to make him know less about your searches, find yourself a girlfriend or a company where you can speak the same language.

And don’t judge yourself for not sharing your new impressions with your husband. You invited a person to enter your world. He chose to stay in his own - he has the right to do so. Focus on some other qualities of his personality - positive, of course. And respect the good that is in him.

“Two months ago I left my job because I wasn’t growing in this place, either career-wise or professionally. Immediately after my dismissal, I received several new offers. And I, as they say, “froze” like a computer with a pirated program. I want the choice to be conscious, so that new job matched my deepest interests. And at the same time it was well paid. These fluctuations are characteristic of me in other areas of life. How to deal with them? Polina K., Vladivostok

— Psychologists call this the excellent student complex. A person has a certain image of himself as a person who does everything correctly, carefully, thoughtfully. And then, when he really falls short of this ideal, the pangs of self-criticism begin. That is, this person himself does not live up to his own expectations.

You, Polina, have an idea in your head that there is only one the right decision, and it needs to be calculated. In fact, life is such that for every plus there is always a minus. We cannot look into the future, and sooner or later you will still have to make a decision.

Therefore, you have only one way out - allow yourself to be imperfect. Make choices, even knowing that the results may not be ideal. And never regret missed opportunities. Give yourself permission to make mistakes and be who you are.

Success is measured by how we handle disappointment. Disappointment is a consequence of disappointed expectations and unfulfilled hopes. And so that unjustified expectations for others do not cause annoyance and disappointment, always remember: no one ever owes you anything. Once you understand this well, your complaints about others will give way to an awareness of what really matters in your life.

• Realize that you need to stop expecting others to agree with your views and beliefs.

Give the person the opportunity to have his own concept of views. However, remember that you, just like your opponent, deserve happiness and a fulfilling life. You have a definite cosmic and social purpose, and the opinions of other people should not make you forget this. For this reason, you cannot meet the expectations of everyone around you, just as they cannot live up to yours. The more confident you are in the correctness of your views, verified personal experience, the less you need outside approval. The recognition of your chosen ones will be more valuable to you than the recognition of the masses.

The most comfortable form of being in this world is to always remain yourself. Happy is the one who realized this in time. Be true to yourself. It's reliable. Rely on your intuition. Sometimes her tips seem ridiculous, scary, and wrong. But the more you trust her, the louder her voice will sound. This is the voice of truth that we seek outside in vain. Without intuition there is no science, no faith, no love. Once they threw a ridicule at me: “Whoever wanted to remain himself never became anyone.” This phrase had multiple meanings. First: whoever wanted to remain himself remained himself. Second: those who wanted to remain themselves remained nobody. Then I caught the second meaning, and was discouraged by it. But after several years, I realized that often the strength of our reaction to the information we hear is inversely proportional to its reliability. It is also true that sometimes a person is as little like himself as he is like others. To avoid this, learn to be happy. Happiness is our entire journey from the womb to the grave, which we follow in consultation with our intuition. It tells us whether we are losing ourselves.

• It makes no sense to compare yourself with others, but it makes sense to be friends with your own head. Then you realize that you need to stop expecting more respect from others than you have for yourself.

Go to the mirror. Smile at yourself, because the eyes of the soul are looking at you, reflecting what has been achieved not only by you, but also by the generations of your ancestors. Make this greatness happy: love yourself. Then you will love your neighbors too. You will understand the meaning of the eyes looking at you from everywhere. They contain that infinite, eternal, incorporeal one, whom the commandments call to love “with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.” The New Testament commandments say: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Loving yourself correctly is not about indulging your weaknesses, but about respecting your fortitude, potential and the ability to realize them. Listen to yourself more often, and you will be surprised by the love that inspires you from within. Only for this can you love and respect yourself. Diseases of the body are from vices, vices are from a weak, sick spirit. He who knows how to come to an agreement with himself will also come to an agreement with those around him. Don’t expect love, respect and attention from others; treat others the way you would like to be treated.

• Know what you need stop expecting please others.

If you feel that you are not needed and unworthy of someone, let it only mean that you are invaluable to someone else. Life often gives us the wrong people, so that we later appreciate those destined for us by fate. Always be where you are needed and with those who value you. This is your main social condition, need and responsibility.

No matter how well you behave towards others, you will not live up to their expectations ( it's impossible to please everyone), everyone sees you “from their own perch”: due to their experience, individual characteristics and moral attitudes. Be lenient with criticism - you can’t put a scarf on every mouth, and there’s no need for that. Let everyone be themselves, and move on. The world is trying to “bend” you under. This is impossible due to your individuality. The brighter it is, the stronger your difference from those around you and the more people around you who don’t love you. Great talents incur the hatred of mediocrity, which never has enemies.

The Indian philosopher Vivekananda was once asked whether it is right to turn your right cheek if you have been hit on the left? “That’s right,” the guru answered, “but only after you learn to fight for yourself: resist the enemy and give a good rebuff to offenders (read - “ How to respond to insults"). First they will love you for this, then for your humility.

• Man is one of Nature's masterpieces. We can't create a better picture of him than Nature did, so we need to stop expecting people to fit into your picture of them.

However, your respect and love will bring out the best in a person. He himself will open before you, like a flower at dawn. Love is the most morning of our feelings, and the surest way to win it is to give people your love and respect. The more you understand the content of a person, hidden under his appearance, the brighter it will reveal itself, surprising you with a beauty much greater than your idea of ​​it.

• You need to stop expecting people to guess what you're thinking.

When I was young, I often asked my husband: “Couldn’t you have guessed it yourself?” After all, he taught me a lesson on this topic:

No one will ever guess what you need until you say it yourself. A person has his own thoughts and his own approach to you. If you want him to look at the situation through your eyes, open his eyes to it. Make an effort to make him understand you and try to see everything the way you need it. - Regular communication, which has been written about more than once in the Success Builder, will make the “procedure” of mutual understanding easier for you.

• We need to stop expecting a person to change quickly.

Proposing his hand and heart to a woman, a man thinks that the woman will always be the way he sees her now. By accepting his proposal, the woman thinks that she will change the man, and he will not be the same as she sees him now. But in order for what you want to come true, you need to patiently and for a long time walk the thorny path. family life. The Orthodox sacrament of wedding symbolizes this path and blesses it. The royal crowns that are held over the wedding party symbolize the crown of thorns of Christ crucified on the cross with the inscription: “King of the Jews.” His crown of thorns became truly golden and royal when He, after going through a painful path, ascended. Then only His Transfiguration into the King took place. Those getting married do not put gold crowns on their heads. These crowns themselves will fall on those being blessed when they are transformed, having gone through all the thorns and obstacles together. But this will not happen until their own ascension. In the meantime, they only receive a blessing for their family path hand in hand, as symbolized by wedding rings.

All relationships between people undergo a similar, but lighter form, according to the proverb: “To recognize a person, you need to eat a pound of salt with him.” Therefore it is necessary stop expecting rapid changes in a person under your influence. Accept him as he is, or refuse communication. First of all, this concerns women’s plans for men. The woman who changed a man according to her desire has not yet been born. Accept it “from the palm” of Nature, as it is. Man is the mind, and woman is created from his rib. A rib, as you know, does not have bone marrow in it; it is brainless. Forgive me women. I myself am from the rib. Change your view of a man for the better. The more you trust him, the more his mind will reveal itself in all its power and enchanting beauty.

• We need to stop expecting people to always be okay.

We are in this world so that, using the body as a tool for self-improvement, we enrich our spirit with morality and strength. For this purpose, fate presents us with adversities and dangers in which our visible and relative values ​​transform into their true practical version. Naturally, during this invisible duel with fate we are in conditions of disorder, but the correct way out of the invisible battle is important. Unfortunately, often thinking that we are going towards perfection, we are heading in a completely different direction.

Each of us is extraordinary in our own way and is valued for our ability to overcome obstacles, so your support and help to people in moments of their trials are worthy of the highest reward. However, it is better to do this with love, and not with the hope of a reward. When my son was burned, a friend bought him a huge amount of medicine. I found out about this by chance, asking the doctor why my son was treated for free, while others had to pay for treatment. Best in good deeds- this is the desire to hide them. By supporting others, we open up the future for ourselves and our descendants.

The impersonalist Vivekananda said that a person’s desire to get married is the hope of blaming a woman for problems that can be solved independently, this is a recognition of his weakness and inability to survive on his own. A thought that somehow resonates with advice for all times of one amazing person. This person says that you need to learn to live without outside help and do what you think others should do for you. Thus, the phrase of a person close or familiar to you: “ I'm afraid I won't live up to your expectations”, - should not take you by surprise if you comprehend, remember and make the conditions we have listed part of your lifestyle. We wish you success!

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Recently I came across an excerpt from the 1965 film “Our House” with the participation of A. Papanov. A teacher came to the parents' house with a complaint about their youngest son. The children wrote an essay on the topic: “Who do you want to be,” and Seryozha wrote that since childhood he had dreamed of becoming a hairdresser. The following dialogue took place:

Parents: “So our Seryozha turned out to be the worst of all?”

Teacher: “Children tend to dream, now everyone dreams of space, some wanted to become astronauts, polar explorers, geologists, but your son has some kind of sober attitude.”

Parents: “Please tell me what he should want to be? You tell me, and we’ll convince him to write it properly. We will definitely take measures.”

Well, then there was an explanatory conversation in which A. Papanov asked his son “next time to write in the essay as it should be so that the teacher does not get on his mother’s nerves.”

Tell me, is this a familiar situation for you, when your parents said that they know better who you should be and what is better to do?
Did you try to meet their expectations?
Often, when a child does not live up to expectations, parents experience disappointment, guilt, anger, shame, and resentment. But the main thing is that this feeling of guilt is not in front of the child for the fact that they have placed so many expectations on him, they feel ashamed in front of their family and friends for the fact that their child does not live up to the ideal.
What happens to you if your husbands/wives, relatives, work bosses, friends do not meet our expectations?
For example, for a long time you lived with an idea about a person, but he did not act as you expected from him. There are situations when a person did not know what was expected of him (From the series: “He should have guessed”).
You suffer, are offended, angry, upset, you may harbor a grudge, you may even be “let go” for a while, but then everything starts all over again: expectations, anger, resentment... Unjustified hopes can lead to despondency and depression. Especially when you harshly insisted that it should only be the way you wanted and nothing else, and that they should behave only according to your rules invented for them. Your picture between expectation and reality did not match.
By the way, disappointment from unjustified expectations can also come from ourselves, when we push ourselves into limits, we suffer, because... we see that we are not what we would like. We are not familiar with our real selves, because... We often wanted to be like someone, or didn’t want to, but we were pushed towards this, we could come up with some kind of image for ourselves and tried to live up to it all our lives.
Why is this happening? The fact is that disappointment does not occur in a person, because he remained the same as he was, but it occurs in your illusions about this person, what he should be, at the same time, it is difficult for you to see the person himself with his true needs and desires, After all, you are now in your house out of resentment. But resentment is the result of unjustified expectations.
Very often, those who do not live up to expectations feel guilty and ashamed that they are “not like that.”

What to do in this situation?
Oddly enough, learn to accept the fact that no one has to meet our expectations, stop constantly demanding something from others, from the world. Then there is a chance to receive an unexpected gift from life.
Surely, many of you are familiar with the “Gestaltist Prayer,” written by psychotherapist Frederick Perls. I like it so much that I’ll allow myself to publish it again on the page:

“I do my thing, and you do your thing.
I don't live in this world to live up to your expectations.
And you don't live in this world to live up to my expectations.
You are you.
And I am me.
And if we happen to meet each other, that’s wonderful.
If not, then nothing can be done."